Sunday, February 23, 2014

The not-so-perfect me!

“Children show scars like medals. Lovers use them as a secrets to reveal. A scar is what happens when the word is made flesh.”
― Leonard Cohen

I was a bit disturbed from last few days about something which is just so superficial, but then something that means a lot to a girl! Let me begin from starting

Few days back someone commented on my tattoo that its fading and is no more clear. I, I said may be, but I love it.

There had been so many incidents where people asked me about why dont I let go off my mole, why am I getting so many pimples suddenly and all that crap. I always ignored such nonsensical things till one day when, someone commented "You would look perfect sans these dark circles". And I, this time I went mad. Dude, you say anything negative about a girl's look and she might not sleep for days. Come on accept it, we girls are really insensitive about our looks. That's bad and shallow and hollow and superficial and blah blah,  in a way, yes! But we cant help it, we are wired that way. We are made beautiful and we love to feel so:)
Anyways, so I got very disturbed. Finally after a lot of turbulence, torture, stress and hullaballoo from my brain, I decided to just finish off  this whole chapter! It was me, who was allowing my brain to unnecessarily nurse this whole stupid thing!

I thought to scan every imperfection of mine, to put it clearly in front of my mind and then, ask it if it feels bad about all of them!!!

Starting from my first tattoo on my right ankle. Its of an angel:) Beautiful one! But the colors have faded now, its no more beautiful, the lines are not clear but its still an angel and I love it.

The tattoo of flying birds implying freedom on my right wrist and the Om tattoo on my neck backside, have also started fading! And will look a kind of ink bolt on my skin in next few years. So, am I suppose to feel bad about them? No... I always felt proud of them. They are a part of me and will always be!

Now, lets count the scars. The first and the most prominent one on my left cheek where there used to be a mole and I got it removed. And it left a small souvenir for me to remember it: a small scar:)

A scar on my left hand, which is a memory of my dog. The story is same, boring one! I was somewhat 11-12, took my dog, Doxi out for a walk and the guy got excited seeing something and pulled me really hard. I fell down badly, and my hands refusing to leave the chain got me this scar. A bad one though.
The ones on my knees. Oh, these  have more than one story behind them! From falling while playing in school to somebody nudging me to fall to falling from a table to falling from my two wheeler. All these made the scars on my knees darker and murkier.

The scars/ wrinkles on my feet toes have a very absurd tale! They are the outcome of the extreme cold of north. My toes had this habit of swelling up like crazy in winters there, despite wearing 2-3 pairs of socks! And then, in summers after coming back in shape they use to have those weird wrinkle kind of thing. Yeah, those wrinkles are still there.

A mole right next to my nose, few birth marks are just an add-on to the list

The extra piercing on my ears. As I wear earring only in one, the other one looks like an open hole.  And yes, people have told me about that as well!

The marks of few pimples on my right cheek. They look bad, I know but I never cared till one day someone told me they look awful.

Those wrinkles that have recently started prevailing, thanks to my growing age:) 

My dark circles! Ahhh, they are epic man!!! The attraction that they have been able to get from people around me is tremendous:) Actually sometimes, I feel they really help me to get all the attraction that I get from people around me. I dont know. Just a thought. But they have been a part of me since long and they never bothered me much, until the day someone really made me feel that how terrible they make me look! Ahhh, I dint sleep for days with that thought and dude, not sleep made them worse!

Phew, its a long list of imperfections!!! Now am I supposed to feel bad about all of these imperfections? Am I? I asked my mind. No answer... I asked it again... No answer. But I went behind it in exactly the same way as it does whenever its in the mood of troubling me! I pestered it again and again and one fine day, my mind replied. It said ,"No, you are not!" And I was sort of relieved.

Later, I rebuked myself a bit for deliberately searching and finding things to hate in myself. But it proved to be a good exercise. I know my imperfections now and I don't hate them:) Nobody can point out a new and unknown imperfection and make me feel bad about it:) I know them all now and I am kind of settled with all of them:) They don't bother me much now

Just that do not listen to what people say about you. Believe me, most of them out there simply love to make others feel miserable. They get a sort of sadistic pleasure in that. They love to make you aware about your imperfections: Physical ones, mental ones and emotional ones. But if you are aware of all of them already, its really easy to deal with such assholes who love to pull people down.

And I promised to myself that I will never ever let anybody, yes ANYBODY let me feel down ever again.
I am proud of what I am in every little way, because if I know my imperfections, I even know my perfections and they both when meld together make an amazing combo and thats me:)

Cheers! And keep smiling and never let anybody let you down.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Journey of unbearable pain

Why the world is so damn cruel?
Why everyone around looks so mean?
Why the hell did I ever get here,
Here where there is only hurt and pain
Why did I ever allow this heart to beat?
Why did I give wings to my feelings?
Why the hell did I ever made them free?
Cant I rip this heart apart and throw it away?
Cant I get rid of these painful feelings?
Cant I throw all my emotions somewhere away?
And be with me, in peace and serenity
What was that I did so wrong?
What was that bought me on this trail?
Trail, full of pain and hurt...
Do I really deserve all this?
This awful ache 
This unbearable pain...

Friday, February 21, 2014


याद आती है उन बीतें दीनो कि,
जब माँ क़ि गोद हमारा आँगन थी,
जब माँ क़ि बातें हमें सहलाती थी,
जब माँ क़ि हसी हमें ज़माने भर कि खुशियाँ दे जाती थी,
जब माँ का डाटना भी लगता था उसका प्यार,
जब हमारे रूठने पर वो करती थी दुलार,
माँ के हाथों में वो ख़न-खनाती चूड़ीयान,
आएने पे चिपकी माँ कि वो छोटी सी बिंदियाँ,
माँ के सिंदूर कि वो प्यारी सी डिबईयाँ,
माँ कि पायल क़ि वो मीठी सी झंकार,
माँ के प्यार से सज़ा वो घरबार,
माँ क़ि ख़ुशबू से महकता हर कोना,
माँ क़ि गोध में वो सर रख कर सोना,
याद आती है उन बीतें दीनो की,
जब माँ क़ि आह्टो से होती थी हर सुबह,
और माँ क़ि लोरियों से होती थी शाम जुदा,
जब घनी धूप से बचाता था माँ का आँचल,
जब रहती थी वो साथ हर लम्हा, हर पल,
ना जाने कहाँ खो गये वो दिन,
जब एक पल ना रह पाते थे हम तेरे बिन,
आज भी बहुत याद आती है तेरी माँ,
तेरे सायँ के बिन, क्या बतायें है हम कितने तन्हा,
काश होते हम, आज भी साथ तेरे,
तेरे आँगन में खेलते बिल्कुल पहले की तरह,
तेरे पहलू में सर रख कर सोते,
तुझे गले लगा कर जी भर कर रोते,
सुनने को तेरी प्यारी मीठी बातें तरसते है हम,
तेरे सीने से लगने को आज भी तडपते है हम,
क्यूँ है आख़िर ये दुनिया का अजीब सा दस्तूर?
जिसने कर दिया हमे तुझसे इतनी दूर,
याद आती है उन बीतें दीनो की,
जब माँ तू, बस तू ही हमारी पूरी दुनिया थी

Wrote these few lines for my mom whom I miss every day and every moment. Probably this is what, everyone feels, everyone who is staying away from home. Yes, outside world looks glamorous and nice, you even enjoy the freedom that it offers but then, from within you always miss that simple life of your home. You miss each and every part of that life, something within you craves and yearns for it every single day. And amidst all this, you miss one person the most, your Mom, who loves you unconditionally, who protects you from every storm, who guides you through every step. 

If not God, she is equal to him, indeed!

The Demons!

A shine in her eyes
And a smile on her lips
Doesn't she look b'ful and divine?
A prayer in her heart
And faith in her soul
Doesn't she look absolutely fine?
Seldom has she revealed her hidden side
Rarely does she allow someone to peek inside
Its her fear and dismay that she hides
She fears the demons screaming deep inside
Damaging her heart and molesting her soul
Compelling her to surrender herself
Still she looks calm and serene to the world
Even when she is trying to hold the reins of her life

Thursday, February 13, 2014

The stupid day of lovers...

 “Today's Valentine's Day. There's a whole day devoted solely to love. Does that make any sense? Nah. Love makes us all crazy. But it's fun too.” 

― Lisa Greenwald, Sweet Treats & Secret Crushes

 So, its Valentines day tomorrow:)

I have been hearing so many things about it from the people around... There are few who absolutely love the day, have taken a leave from work and have planned a very romantic day with their lovers. And there are others who absolutely abhor this day and the idea of celebrating love.

I would not talk about the former ones. The later ones are the people who really made me think, who pushed me to jolt my head and mull over my brains. Yes, I completely agree that this whole idea of Valentines day and celebrating it is bogus, its fake. Yes! I mean, come one guys. Lets face it. Its crap! And everyone knows that, including people who celebrate this day with full zeal and fervor.

The argument that people who are against V-day give is that, why do you need a special day to celebrate your love. You can celebrate it daily:)

Yes, indeed you can celebrate it daily. Why not? And who is stopping you? But... please for a moment pause, and try to put little pressure on that sweet little brain of yours and then, try to touch the memory vein in your head, and now think and try to remember when was the last time you bought flowers for your lover? When was the last time, you went out on a romantic dinner? When was the last time, you held your lover's hand, and expressed your feelings in a true and an awesome way? When was the last time, you two really spent time with each other, without any external disturbance (including tabs, phones and TVs)? When was the last time, you surprised her/him with a gift? When was the last time you made her/him feel special? When was the last time you thought of giving her/him an amazing surprise? And offcourse the exception in all the above said are the general events like birthdays, Anniversaries. The things done on these days are bounded to more of a formality:) Hey, your brain is going on a guilt trip. Catch it. There is still lot in which we need its help:)

Now just think, remember...Ok, atleast try to remember when was the last time you said "I love you" with the same genuinity and feelings that resides in your heart? When was the last time you took the pain of converting your feelings into a bright tinkle in your eyes?

I am sure the answer to most of the above mentioned questions, would be a NO.

Then, whats the harm in doing all this, on this one day when everyone around, when the complete atmosphere is in love.

May be its bogus, but its worth it. So, before criticizing the creator of this day, just think what he had given the world in the form of this one stupid day: an opportunity to make your lover feel special, a chance to celebrate this amazing feeling called love, a day to take an off from all your stress and tensions and spend it with the one you love.

Now, whats wrong in doing all this? Even if its fake? Even if its bogus? At least, it makes you do something that you would otherwise never do consciously. Its only going to give you some happiness, some precious moments and memories of love and it surely doesnt have the capability and power to snatch away anything. Then, whats the harm:) Its a good deal. An awesome one indeed:)

And if you are someone who haven't still got a chance to fall in love and have no lover, chill. Celebrate this day with your best friends, your siblings, your mom, your cousins. Celebrate it with whom-so-ever you love the most in the whole wide world. Its about celebrating love. And love can be of any form. Everyone, without exception loves someone in this world:) So, it means everyone has a reason to celebrate their love

So, cheer up, smile, buy some flower for the one you love, buy chocolates for that special one and go and celebrate this stupid love day with loads of love, hugs, smiles and happiness! Tell them how much you love them.

Its wise to be stupid sometimes!

“If every lover was treated like they matter — everyday; valentine’s day wouldn’t be so 'special.”
― Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Changes: Do you remember the old you?

“Defeat is not the worst of failures. Not to have tried is the true failure.”
― George E. Woodberry

Have you ever felt amazed of the pace at which life changes? And with it, changes you, changes your feelings, your needs, your desires, your hobbies, your thoughts, your opinions, your everything.

I feel astonished at the fact that this process of changing takes place with a very fine balance of swiftness and subtlety. Yes, the change is rapid but then, its also gradual enough not to alarm you

And in this whole 'change' process, there is also a fine balance of what changes and what not. Am I am sounding confusing? Ok, let me put it this way.... Its still you with the same body, same heart, same blood, same mind, same soul, same structure, same hardware. Everything remains the same but still everything changes. How different were you when you were young? I guess its the attributes, that changes, its the core that define you, changes. While young you are structured with different qualities and as you grow up, many other qualities keep on adding to your personality and which compels you to shed few of your existing ones. And this process of adding and subtracting things from your personality brings the change that I am talking about.

Anyways, the question that I really want stress on here is do you ever miss that reckless, careless, brazen, imprudent, audacious self. These are the qualities that are generally there in you when you are young. And they are the first ones that gets gradually subtracted from you. Now, another thing that's banging in my head is why not negative traits gets subtracted like jealousy, selfishness etc. On the other hand, they seems to get increased with the age! Now, thats another topic of discussion. Guess, I will write about it in my next post.

I was just chewing over my brain the other day, thinking how many of us still possess at least few qualities from our childhood. How many of us still attempt doing things, that we used to love doing at some point of the time in the past. Once we get under this tiring and brutal grinder of day today life, we start getting crushed and crumbled viciously, and the excruciating pain of getting pulverized makes us forget everything: all our passions, our hobbies, every damn thing we adored, we loved. All you do after getting trapped in this grinder is kill yourself without any explanation or even, without any happiness. And this brings in the change I am talking about.

Let's not talk so vaguely. Let me take an example. While young, everybody without exception loves to experiment with new things. I mean, while young doing something new, had a weird attraction, an enticing charm, an alluring magic, a bizarre appeal, a fatal temptation. You never used to get scared of anything, you never used to feel intimidated by attempting something new and even, the dangerous ones. There was a wildness, a passion, a curiosity then, that starts getting faded with time. Why? Its the same you even now. Then, why do "something new" fails to charm you, attract you now? Perhaps, because now, you always carry this strange thing with you, that prohibits you from doing anything which would give you happiness and that's fear: fear of falling, fear of getting failed. And as I mentioned above, addition of fear, automatically subtract many other precious qualities from your personality

 But Life was surely fun without fears. No?

While young, dint you try jumping in a river and swim? Or at least that thought would have surely crossed your mind while passing through a stream. Now, estimation of the depth of the river is the first thing that crosses your mind and probably, next thought would be is the depth enough to get you drowned? Your mind automatically starts calculating the probability of risks and dangers.

While young, dint you ever try taking a different route while on the way back from school, just for the heck of exploring a new way? Now, you can't even think of doing that. Why? Dude, you are scared of getting late to work or home. Simple!

While young, dint you try to raid into a house that people said was haunted? You did, even after having an immense fear of ghosts. Now, would you do that? No, even after knowing that those ghost stories were a bogus! Even then you wouldn't have the courage to try something new

While young, dint you learn the bicycle by yourself, without any fears of falling. And even if you fell down, you would again stand up, rub the dust off from your knees, wouldn't even notice the blood and try again without giving a damn to the pain. Would you try that now?

Why are we scared now? What are we scared of? Of failures? Of embarrassment?

What is it that prevents us, force us not to attempt new things?

Just think how many years it had been since you tried something new on your own. With age, this frequency keeps on going down because our fears keeps on increasing. They are both inversely proportional.  And with the rate of trying new things going down, even our learning goes down. Now, they are directly proportional. If you will not try anything, how the damn will you learn?

“The more I try the more I am scorned”
― Novala Takemoto, Missin' (Novel)

You would keep on sloshing over the same boring stuff every day, every moment! And finally, your life
would turn into a boring mundane drama, where you would have no exit, no entertainment and even no spectators. 

“He tries to find the exit from himself but there is no door.”
― Dejan Stojanovic

Just think at this moment, if you had no fears, what is that one thing that you would have been doing or atleast would have been wanting to do.

Just try to remember that one last time, when you tried something new, something for the first time...

Change is good... but when it changes your true self, its definitely not worth it

Tell me the story...

Saturday, February 8, 2014

When you fall in love with a dreamer...

"Yes: I am a dreamer. For a dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world"

                                                                         ― Oscar Wilde, The Critic as Artist

Have you ever wondered how it is to fall in for a dreamer? A person who has his own world of dreams. Well, guess its tough.

It is easy to fall in love with them because you would get enticed with their charm, while they talk and get you into introduced to a different world in a different way, but later it becomes tough, rather painful to handle their whimsical and paranoid self.

Well... why? Let's embark on a voyage to a dreamer's heart and soul, that will also get you acquainted with the meaning of falling in love with them...

Well, to begin with let me tell you that you would never come to know whats going on in their head. One moment they would be happy, filled with ecstasy without any reason and another moment they would be sad, doomed under the heaps of distress, and that too, without any explanation. Asking and scrutinizing would do no help because they themselves would have no idea of the reason for their sudden excitement or for their unexpected distress.

Yes, they are moody! Now, its really hard to put up with someone's mood swings, that too frequent ones! No??

At one point, they would need you like anything. And next moment, you would become just another person in their life with almost no existence. Rather at times, they would not even feel a slight pinch in treating you like a stranger.

You would never be able to guess what are they up to, in what part of the mortal or immortal world their mind would be wondering or in simple terms, you would never be able to forage their brain for the latest thoughts! They might be thinking of a thing as simple as the latest movie they saw or about a person they recently met or they might be thinking about a thing as uncanny as the meaning of everyone's existence or the reason for people labeling death as a terrifying-horrifying incident!

One moment they would be emotional to the extent of crying over an incident that they witnessed in a book (reading = witnessing for them, because they imagine each and every detail while reading a book), another moment they would become a part of this sensible and realistic world.

One moment they would be calm and composed, another moment you would find them aggressive, fighting over something minute and petty

One moment, they would completely and totally be with you, but immediately, the next moment you would find them disconnected, detached and lost

You would find them self absorbed, engrossed and captivated in their own world most of the times. They would surely prefer the company of their books than people! Cruel they are... at times.

One moment they would need you to laugh with them, to smile, share and enjoy their silly jokes but another moment, all they would need is your shoulder to cry on. Do not ask the reason, just offer them one.

One moment you would find them sitting like a dumpster without a brain, listening to everyone around. Another moment you would find them throwing their ideas, their opinions about anything and everything like no one's business.

They would expect you to understand everything by yourself, about what they need at a particular moment. They would expect you to find out by yourself that they need a hug. They would want you to tell them how much you love them, without asking. They would be waiting for you to ask them for a date, they without even giving a hint to you.

Their thoughts love to ponder in the fields of their mind. Sometimes, they would be with the stars, talking to them, wondering somewhere in the universe in search of love stories between moon and sun and planets and earth and sky and rain and clouds and oceans and sea and God knows where all not! Sometimes, they would be sitting at their job, and wrapping up their work like any other normal being.

Sometimes, you would find them smiling and laughing by themselves and sometimes, they would be crying hard, sobbing to death,  lying in some corner. But they would never bother you with these strange, bizarre and eccentric behavior of theirs.

You would never know where they would be in the coming moment. In fact they themselves have no idea of what, when and where their wings would take them on a flight.

They are eccentric, peculiar, capricious! They are hard to be tamed! They are uncontrollable! They are unbridled! They don't care about anything, they don't plan anything, they take life as it comes. They don't like to think about future. They live in present because that's the real moment for them

So, do you think you have the guts and patience to handle such crazy creatures? Think twice before falling in love with them as the level of endurance required to handle them is uncommon and unimaginable. You would rather think about falling in love with someone sensible and pragmatic, as they would definitely not need so much attention in understanding them, in comprehending their every move. On the other hand, dreamers are hard to deal with...

Why? Well, because they are unpredictable. They are impulsive. They are naive. They are innocent. They are reckless. They are emotional. They are weird. They are unpretentious. They are narcissistic. They are undemanding. They are unorganized. They are grumpy. They are unstable. They are absurd. They are cranky. They are nice! Yes, they are nice... The only thing is guess, they are too scared to be a part of this cruel world. They are scared of the unpredictability and volatility of this world. Perhaps, they know somewhere that they are too supple to handle the unkind and nasty ways of the people living in it. And so, they just create a world of their own, the perfect world.

They live, breath in that own world of theirs. It is difficult to be a part of their world, for any sane and normal being. But if you can, well they would be more than happy to give you a place in that world, they would hold your arm and would walk you through all their dreams, all their hidden thoughts. They would get you acquainted with their true self, their vulnerable self, which they wouldn't have revealed to anyone. They would show you their filthy side naively, because they would trust you like an innocent child. They would give their whole self to you, for the rest of their lives. They would believe that you would never leave them, just by witnessing this side of theirs. And that's why you will take that special place in their life... their heart... and their soul... Because you would allow them to be them: the unpretentious weird wild crazy ones, without judging and labeling them as abnormal, like all others. They would create a world around you, a world in which they would start breathing, living and even dying at times. They would love you like no one else, exactly the way they say "truly, madly and deeply". May be, they would go to an extent of almost devoting themselves to you. I told you they are insane!

But if you can't be a part of their dreams, well, it would be difficult for them to come out of that world, it would be immensely painful for them. But once this weird breed called dreamers fall in love with someone, they do not bother about the pains! They would surely try to leave that beloved world of theirs for you, they would be ready to bear the excruciating pain. Even when they would be aware of the fact that they would be killing their own self, perhaps they would never be the same as before, perhaps they would have to slay their every dream, every beautiful dream that they weaved with so much patience and serenity . They would leave all that for you. Despite the fact that, they would never live happily thereafter. But for your happiness, they would never dare to return to the world of dreams.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

When the whole universe falls in love...

They say... they ask... again and again
Not to get acquainted with this thing called love
They blame it for all the terrible pains
They condemn it for causing throbbing heart aches
They denounce it as a forbidden poison
Poison that intoxicates all, like venom
But how can one deny the warmth of love
How can you ask your heart not to dive in its tenderness
How can one not get smitten by this alluring passion,
When the whole universe seems to be enchanted with its magic?
When everyone around seems to be lured with its charm...
Aren't those stars in love with the beautiful moon?
If not, then why do they follow its every move?
Isn't the sun in love with that far lying horizon?
If not, then why does it sleep in the warmth of its arms?
Isn't the sky in love with the gigantic sea?
If not, then why does it leave its refection in its eyes?
Aren't the clouds in love with the land?
If not, then why do they gift it, those precious beautiful rain jewels?
Isn't the rainbow in love with the gorgeous sky?
If not, then why do it always shy away like a pretty bride?
Aren't the dew drops in love with the bright sunlight?
If not, then why do they wait for it for such long nights? 
Isn't the wind in love with everything around?
If not, then why does it tease us all like a lover?
Isnt the ocean in love with the sand?
If not, then why do they hug and romance all the time?
Aren't the days in love with the nights?
If not, then why do they melt in night's embrace with twilight
Aren't the nights in love with the days?
If not, then why do they let the days rest in the tenderness of their arms till the dawn?
Isn't everything around in love with everyone?
Then why do they blame love for spreading the pain?
Doesn't love add a passion, fervor and zeal to this air?
Isn't the love reason for all the mysteries and excitement?
Then why do they blame love for spreading the pain?
Instead, it should be blamed for romanticizing everything around
For adding colors  in this otherwise black and white world
For adding romance in this otherwise insipid world
For adding warmth in this otherwise cold world
For adding affection in this otherwise hatred world
Its love that keeps us alive
Because aren't our breaths in love with our soul?
This is the romancing universe we live in,
Thanks for the love for making it beautiful and stunning...