Sunday, November 3, 2013

At peace with myself

Finally I am relaxed!

Yep, was going through a very stupid phase of life. Actually I should say was going through a torturous phase. I am now, kind of out of it.

At times, I feel is it my crazy brain that creates this hallucinations of "bad" phases? or these phases are a reality? I mean why in the world would my 'own' (hope so!) mind create such delusion to torture me? But anything is possible with me...

I always describe myself as a very strong person who hates to reveal things going inside her mind, heart and life to the world. I am truly a champion in hiding all the thoughts and emotions behind my cute smile:) But still there are few devils in my life who can see beyond that smile!!! Its both a blessing and a curse. Blessing because I am lucky to have such caring people around me for whom I, my feelings and my emotions really matter. Curse because dude, they kill me/ torture me till the time I don't reveal the complete reason to them! And I hate to tell all my inner feelings to anyone because at times, they are evil, cruel and make me sound so obnoxious!

Guess, the problem with me is I am very stubborn when it comes to feelings and emotions! I just hate to settle down with anything less than what I deserve. Yes, I am quite an adamant crazy creature when it comes to relationships.

People generally give me this advice of "not expecting anything from others". I mean, oh yeah? Really... How do one do that? Not expecting anything from people whom I love? Not expecting anything from relationships where I give my 100%? How and why? Is'nt this a fallacy? Come on, I am not a saint, I am a normal human being with bones and flesh and normal human tendencies. Is'nt it a human tendency to expect? And so, bound to that I do... And always end up getting hurt!

Anyways, I am on the way of making peace with myself. No, I am not at all on the way of becoming a saint. I am just too selfish to leave this materialistic world. I am far too much in love with this world, with its ways, with all the colors, with all the beauty, with all the life. Nahhh, I cant leave all this, not for anything! I am an ardent fan of life and its beauty.

With making peace with myself, I meant to say I am trying to make my heart and brain learn to adapt themselves with the ways of people around me. No, that really doesnt mean I am going to compromise or anything. Will just kind of try to sort out things in my head and rather than torturing myself, will try to smile and let it go:)

Thats the way it should be.

I just hate to screw up my precious days in thinking and going through shit. I mean, its such a small life where every day, every hour counts. I hate to waste even a single min in depression:) At the end, I am going to take only the smiles, laughs and good things and not these screwed up times! So, time wasted is wasted forever and I cant allow that to happen with me:)

Keep smiling and yes, Happy Diwali. Have a noise free, sweet filled, brightening Diwali

1 comment:

  1. True...it is hard to not expect anything in return when u have given 100% to any relationship...but torturing ourselves abt it doesn't change the situation...it brings more sadness...i have gone thru it a lot...but have realized to let it go...one has to do that for the peace of one's own mind...I have full control over my reaction and I choose to react with positivity and smile...it is very hard to do but is do-able...good job and good luck Shivani and more power to us :))

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